Graciously Responding to Tragedy | Access to Culture

Graciously Responding to Tragedy

Photo by Sharon Schweitzer; Garabito,Costa Rica

By Sharon Schweitzer

Our goal is to share guidance on living graciously; this includes knowing what to say in times of joy as well as sadness. Our Central Texas Hill Country has been devastated by torrential rain and flash flooding. We have received calls, texts, and emails asking for advice on how to respond to this calamity. Family and friends have lost electricity, been evacuated, and are dealing with anxiety during this tragedy.

How people handle crises is a personal journey, made more difficult by tragedy. The stages of that journey do not follow a linear path. When someone close to us suffers, we don’t want to be at a loss for how to respond. Consider these factors:

1. Know Your Boundaries: Psychologist Susan Silk and her colleague Barry Goldman describe a helpful approach called the “Ring Theory” to determine what to do in a crisis. We are all surrounded by social rings during our lifetimes. If you’re currently in crisis, you’re in the ring center.

• During a tragedy, the people closest to us are in the first ring, spouses, children, and immediate family.
• Others like distant relatives and intimate friends fill the next ring.
• Then less intimate friends and neighbors fill the outer rings, and so on.
• People in the inner rings may “gripe or complain” to the outer rings. Those in the outer rings offer solace, help, and support without complaint.

2. Take Positive Action – What is Needed: Depending on where you stand, consider how to provide support.
   Psychologists recommend asking what they need and following their request. If they say they need to be alone, that’s what they need. In our U.S. culture, people are direct and will tell you. When those close to us shut down completely and  can’t express what they need, do or offer to do necessary tasks.  Even though tragedy occurs, life’s demands continue.

In other words, “comfort in, complaints out.” Knowing where you stand in these circles will  guide a gracious response.

       3. Examples of how to support:  

           FAMILY & CLOSE FRIENDS: 

• Be present in the moment to offer comfort 
• Assist with children or aging parent 
• Volunteer to make a master schedule for errands, yard work, bill payment, pet needs
• Place a cooler at the front door 
• Gatekeep negativity and gossip 
• Write thank you notes  

         ACQUAINTANCES (neighbor, church, school, office): 

• Volunteer on the schedule for meals, pets, yard 
• Deliver home cooked food, fruit or veggie platters, groceries, bottled water, supplies (at front door) 
• Offer or deliver eco-friendly paper plates, disposable cups, napkins 
• Deliver activities and educational toys for children 

Remember that food is love. In many cultures, religions, and belief systems, food plays a central role in the healing process. Bring nourishment that can be enjoyed by guests, or frozen and enjoyed at a later time.

4. USE AUTHENTIC WORDS TO EXPRESS SUPPORT: Consider genuine words that reflect the authentic you.
   Gather your thoughts and compose a few words to express your genuine concern. Consider the following phrases that may help you communicate your support:

• God bless you during this tragedy.
• We are sending positive energy your way. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
• You and your family are in our prayers.
• You are in my thoughts.
• We are thinking of you during this disaster.
• Remember that we care, let us know how we can support you.
• Our hearts go out to you during your recovery from this catastrophe.
• My thoughts are with you and your family during this crisis. 

5. GIVE WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS: 

When a friend or family member is in crisis, it is challenging, if not overwhelming to respond to hundreds of texts, calls, emails, and messages daily. Consider providing a few of the kind acts listed above without expecting thanks or reciprocity. In other words:

• Make deliveries without ringing the doorbell
• Refrain from checking to see if your delivery was received 
• Avoid comparing their crisis to another 
• Be gracious if a “thank you” doesn’t arrive

Once the immediate crisis passes, it can be easy to get caught up in our daily routines. Calendar a few dates to mail a card, extend an invitation, or send a positive message. Keep the compassion and empathy flowing.

Sharon Schweitzer JD, is a  global mobility and cross-cultural trainer, etiquette expert, and the founder of Access to Culture. In addition to her accreditation in intercultural management from the HOFSTEDE Centre, she is an attorney and mediator. Sharon served as a Chinese Ceremonial Dining Etiquette Specialist in the documentary series Confucius was a Foodie, on Nat Geo People. Her Amazon #1 Best Selling book in International Business,  Access to Asia: Your Multicultural Business Guide, won a coveted Kirkus Star, and was named to Kirkus Reviews’ Best Books. She’s a winner of numerous awards, including the British Airways International Trade Award at the Greater Austin Business Awards.

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